Apathy

you've found armor in your apathy
but now you're too far gone to see
that all your disillusions have become reality

so you go home and cry yourself
to sleep at night and wonder why
your life is just a lie that doesn't last to see the dawn

so just go, just be yourself
stop trying to be something
to impress somebody else

your life should be your own
so grab the wheel, don't let go...

and now for something completely different...

For every thousand hacking at the leaves of evil, there is one striking at the root. – Henry David Thoreau.

More on this later. Further organization necessary.

Peace

Is this balance or chaos? Either way, I've found some peace since I last wrote. Now that I think about it, I don't know if I care whether it's Balance or Chaos, it feels like progression, and I think that's a good thing. I find security in affirmations of the future which weigh against the pain of the past. It's helping.

Darkness

Dark feelings are so much harder to chase away than good ones. It takes effort to shine the light that makes the shadows flee. The darkness cannot abide in the light, but it takes no effort whatsoever for darkness to exist, it's the inevitable whenever the light goes out. Sometimes it feels like I don't know how to make the light come back, so the darkness rises up and drowns me. I can't keep living like this. I need sustaining peace, but I don't know what else to do to find it. Memory is cruel. It's so easy to associate everything around me with the pain I feel. I hate the people that surround me, going on with their lives. Cruel Irony? The only two people I've talked to about this pain are the source of it. One of those people I love more than life itself. By one way of reasoning I should hate the other to that same degree, but that is strangely not the case. Reason? I know it's not his fault. I know it's not her fault either, and in any case They couldn't have known the future. Part of me screams that they should have, they knew that what they had couldn't last, but they were blinded, and I keep telling myself I should be able to understand that. Love. Life's greatest joy, Life's greatest pain. I guess that's the point of it all, isn't it? To be cut so deep you feel it echo through your soul, and then hope like hell that Love will find a way to heal a wound that's impossibly deep. How we all suffer. At this point reason says I should have peace. What's then was then, and what's now is now. My present should be full of joy, I have nothing to be hurting about. So why does it hurt?

Happiness

Well, I've covered the negative. I can say that now I'm feeling a lot better. Mostly this is because of a very important and special person in my life, who confirmed some things for me and helped me understand why things will work out. You know who you are. Thanks, love :).

Fear

Paranoia is miserable. What's worse is to fight fear with apathy, because they both end up putting a lot of distance between you and the world. They keep people caged into depressing little cycles that won't let them move on and try new things and really live life the way it was meant to be lived. I've had a lot of experience with apathy, and a recent run-in with paranoia, and I think it's safe to say that I'm going to make a conscious effort to keep them out of my life, or at least understand where they come from so I can move beyond them.

Well, consistency is something I've never really been good at, so this is probably going to be a typical pattern for this blog, but I might try to write more often.